


A Kissmas Carol

by accioscar



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Office, Amnesia, Angst, Changing Tenses, Christmas, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-18
Updated: 2015-12-18
Packaged: 2018-05-04 15:25:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5339078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/accioscar/pseuds/accioscar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The ghosts of kisses past, present and yet to come.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Past

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GeekLover](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeekLover/gifts).



> Merry Christmas, GeekLover! Amnesia fic is one of my absolute faves so I was very happy to see an amnesia-based prompt in your request - this fic was very much inspired by, but is not entirely faithful to, that very prompt. It was an absolute pleasure to write for you, I really hope you enjoy it even though it's not exactly what you asked for! 
> 
> Many, many thanks to my very good friend for the beta job - all remaining mistakes are my own.

**_Past_ **

Their first kiss, Arthur remembered, was at one of their work's Christmas parties. 

Their offices were decorated, as they were every year, with far too much tinsel and fairy lights and a pitiful-looking fake tree next to the photocopier. The conference room table was covered with trays of tiny little canapés which Geoffrey in Finance always mispronounced as can-apes. There were jugs of mulled wine and eggnog ( _because it's Christmas, Arthur_ , Morgana's PA, Gwen, said every year when Arthur asked her why she bothered with the eggnog. Everybody knows nobody actually _likes_ the stuff.) and increasingly obscure Christmas songs (seriously who knew Hanson had an entire album of them!?) which Will, Merlin's annoying friend from Customer Services, insisted on playing on his "sound system" (a.k.a. CD player) because he fancied himself as the next Calvin Harris or something!

Arthur probably already had a bit too much mulled wine and Merlin _definitely_ had (because he was a notorious lightweight and even one glass was one too many for him). And there was mistletoe. Arthur knew that - it was there every year. But he wasn’t entirely sure how he and Merlin ended up underneath it at the same time. Arthur just remembered Merlin looking up at him through his ridiculously dark lashes, a pink flush on his cheeks, lips full and red and suddenly looking incredibly kissable. 

"Mistletoe," Merlin half giggled, half hiccupped and Arthur followed his gaze up to the top of the door frame they were both standing under.

"Yeah..." Arthur said, feeling a little breathless all of a sudden. And Merlin smiled at him in a way that made his insides squirm with a bubbling sort of happiness and affection; a reaction he'd been trying to ignore for months. Years if he were honest. 

Then Gwaine (the loud Irishman from Marketing & Communications who also happened to be Arthur's brother-in-law and good friend) came along and, without warning or preamble, grabbed Merlin's face between both of his hands and attacked his mouth with a loud, exaggerated, lip-smacking kiss. Before Arthur could even react, Gwaine turned and did the same to him before stumbling off, mumbling something nonsensical about magic and courage. Arthur coughed awkwardly and Merlin, whose entire face was about the same shade of red as the mulled wine, practically _ran_ off in same direction Gwaine had gone.

Merlin spent the rest of the evening amiably chatting to seemingly everyone but Arthur. He floated about the room from one group of people to the next, looking ridiculous wearing the tacky light-up Santa hat Arthur had given him the day before, and sporting an overly-friendly grin for everyone. Even the wankers from Security. Whilst Arthur definitely did _not_ sulk in the corner and continue to top up his mulled wine levels.

Arthur had met Merlin two years earlier when his father had (in Arthur's own words) "unceremoniously dumped this incompetent so-called assistant" on him about a month before Christmas. In Arthur's defence, Merlin had been a pretty incompetent, not to mention insolent, assistant to begin with and Arthur had been one hundred percent right when he'd accused his father of nepotism in hiring him in the first place (Merlin's uncle Gaius was the company’s Head of Health & Safety). But over time Arthur had grown strangely fond of Merlin, with his ridiculous ears, gorgeous smile and perfect cheekbones. Not to mention his almost puppy-like loyalty which was actually more dragon-like sometimes (honestly, Merlin could be positively scary if he thought someone he cared about was being wronged in any way) and the magical way things just seemed to be _better_ with Merlin around (despite his initial ineptitude). The truth was, Merlin and Arthur had gone quite quickly from colleagues who barely tolerated each other, to good friends who had great respect for each other (although Arthur would never admit that out loud - he had a reputation to uphold, being the boss and all).

Then, somewhere along the way, it had become something _more_. For Arthur at least. They had become about as close as two people can be without being lovers - and Arthur often had to try _very hard_ not to think about that scenario. Everyone referred to them as ArthurandMerlin; one entity; two halves of a whole. As if one of them existing without the other was a complete impossibility. Arthur tended to agree with them.

Arthur had even been there when Merlin's mother had passed away, literally holding Merlin's hand whilst he held hers and she took her last breath. Arthur remembered how helpless he had felt that day, how desperately he had wanted to take Merlin's pain away, to hold him and make everything alright. Because Merlin was his friend. They were good _friends_. But Arthur's brain/heart/dick/all three just had to go and take it one step further and eventually he had been forced to admit (only to himself) that he was hopelessly, desperately in love with the gangly, big-eared, gorgeous idiot!

That revelation had come about three weeks earlier (and probably about two years too late if he were being honest) and Arthur had made a note of the date - 26th November 2009, the day Arthur Pendragon was well and truly _fucked_. Figuratively speaking.

So Arthur found himself at the Christmas party, pining from afar after the extremely embarrassing almost-kiss mistletoe incident (with Merlin avoiding him because he obviously felt incredibly awkward about the whole situation) and he did what any reasonable man would do in such a situation - he drank himself senseless!

It wasn't until the tail end of the night, when Arthur achieved maximum mulled wine levels (he had even resorted to eggnog once the wine had run dry), that he worked up the (Dutch) courage to approach Merlin again. He cornered him (quite literally) as he was coming out of the gents and quickly ushered him into one of the empty offices (it turned out to be Agravaine's and it still bothers Arthur a little that his first kiss with Merlin had been in that creep of a man's office).

"Arthur?" Merlin sounded half angry, half amused. "What are you doing?"

"Shh..." Arthur said, "mmm thinking..."

"About?"

"A reasonable excuse for dragging you in here," Arthur's mouth said before his brain caught up and he smacked a hand over the insubordinate thing when he realised what it had done.

Merlin, the git, almost pissed himself laughing, doubled over on himself as Arthur watched. And pouted. "Just how drunk are you?" Merlin asked, straightening up but still laughing a little.

Arthur started to say "I'm not even drunk at all", but it came out as "mmmnatol", so he gave up and started giggling himself, slumping against the desk behind him.

"C'mon," Merlin said, wrapping an arm around Arthur's waist and putting one of Arthur's over his shoulders to steady him, "let's get you in a taxi home."

Merlin's arm around Arthur's waist felt warm and the heat spread suddenly to his face and other, more _inconvenient_ areas as Merlin started to walk them slowly towards the door.

"Wait," Arthur blurted out, stopping them in their tracks right in the doorway of the dark office. Merlin kept his hold on Arthur's waist, but turned his face towards Arthur's, looking up at him through those dark lashes of his, the way he had under the mistletoe earlier. "Mistletoe," Arthur said, half by accident, and Merlin looked up at the door frame above their heads.

"There's no mistletoe here, Arthur," he said and Arthur must have been imagining the hint of disappointment in his voice.

"There was. Earlier." Arthur stated the obvious. "So you owe me kiss."

Merlin's eyes widened and Arthur, drunk as we was, was suddenly filled with the dreadful feeling he had gone too far. He would never want to throw himself at Merlin, didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable or pressured. Arthur was, after all, Merlin's boss as well as his friend and he was pretty sure Merlin already had more than enough grounds for a sexual harassment complaint against him, from this evening alone!

"'Mm sorry," Arthur said quickly, "it was just a joke. Not even a funny one."

But Merlin was looking at him strangely and he hadn't pulled away from Arthur in disgust. In fact, it seemed as if they were even closer all of a sudden. Arthur could feel Merlin's hand at his waist, gripping his shirt in his fist. Merlin turned to face Arthur more, so they were left practically hugging, faces agonisingly close. Arthur felt warm all over, his heart racing and a twisting sensation in his stomach. Merlin looked right into his eyes, smiling, and Arthur was pretty sure his heart was going to beat right out of his chest.

"You know," Merlin said in a half-whisper, "my mum always used to say _'a drunk mind speaks a sober heart'_ ".

Arthur didn't know what to say. It was as though time stood still. He couldn't move. Couldn't speak.

"I mean, she probably stole it from some French philosopher or something but... I think she had a point."

Arthur held his breath.

"Arthur," Merlin breathed, pulling their bodies even closer together. "I'm a little bit drunk right now, but not that much, not as much as you. So I'm going to give you plenty of notice here, so you can really think about it and make a rational decision... but, unless you object, in a minute I am going to kiss you. Because the truth is I _want_ to, I have wanted to _for so long_. And I..."

Merlin didn't get to finish that sentence because Arthur suddenly closed the gap between them and captured his lips in a searing kiss.

Merlin gasped into it, his mouth opening against Arthur's as he kissed him with a fevered urgency. It was fast and desperate, Merlin's mouth hot and heavy on Arthur's as he took control, pressing Arthur back against the doorframe. Merlin wasted no time deepening the kiss, his tongue teasing at Arthur's. It was hot and filthy and sent waves of pleasure straight to Arthur's dick. By the time Merlin broke away, gently sucking on Arthur's bottom lip before he pulled back, Arthur was completely breathless and half hard.

"Well," Merlin breathed, leaning back against the doorframe. "I'm pretty sure I'm going to remember that kiss forever."

"Me too," Arthur said, still feeling a little dazed.

Merlin laughed. "With the amount of mulled wine you've had, I'm not sure you'll remember any of this by tomorrow morning. It's okay though, I'll remind you." Merlin leaned forward again to press a soft kiss to the corner of Arthur's mouth. "I'll keep reminding you," he continued in between kisses to Arthur's mouth, his face, his neck, "over and over. With my lips. Because from now on I fully intend to kiss you at Every. Possible. Opportunity." Merlin finished his kiss attack on Arthur will one final peck to the tip of his (definitely _not_ freckled) nose.

"I like the sound of this plan," Arthur replied. "But... I _will_ remember this," he said, leaning in to get started on Merlin's 'kissing at every opportunity' proposal right away. "I promise."

And he did.


	2. Present

**_Present_ **

Their first kiss, as far as Merlin remembers, happens right here in Arthur's bed. _Their_ bed, Merlin has to keep reminding himself. Because he forgot. He has forgotten a lot of things. Or so they tell him.

It's Christmas Eve, one year to the day that Merlin woke up in a hospital bed, confused and disoriented, and asked for his mother. His mother who had been dead for five years. He forgot that too and Merlin's not sure he wants to remember.

They told him anyway. Merlin remembers them telling him. He remembers Arthur telling him and he remembers looking at the man with the golden hair, the man with pain in his eyes, and thinking "who are you?". He remembers saying it out loud too and then the pain had consumed the man. Arthur.

 _Car accident_ , they told him. 

_Black ice_ , they said.

 _Head injury_ , they explained.

_Coma._

_A month._

_Lucky to be alive._

_Retrograde amnesia._

_Your boyfriend. Arthur._

Arthur is sleeping now. In _their_ bed, Merlin repeats to himself, tries to remember not to forget. He remembers when he first came here. Home. _"This is home," Arthur had almost whispered, watching him with the familiar pain-filled expression as Merlin had shuffled into the entrance hall and lingered awkwardly like a guest in a stranger's house. "This is our home."_

_"This is our home." Merlin had repeated, just to remind himself. You live here. With Arthur._

They've slept in the same bed every night since Merlin first came home after the accident six months ago. They've slept in the same bed, despite Arthur first trying to insist that he should sleep on the sofa. _"Until you're comfortable," he had said, always with the painful eyes, "until you're ready."_

_"Don't be silly," Merlin had said. "It's our bed," he’d added, another reminder for himself._

So Arthur eventually gave in, Merlin remembers, but he still asks Merlin every night if it's ok before he slides in beside him. They sleep in the same bed every night but they haven't touched once since Merlin came here. Since he came _home_.

Arthur doesn't look peaceful in his sleep, the way you always expect people to look. His shoulders are tense and he is scrunched in on himself, facing Merlin, one hand reaching into the space between them, almost-but-not-quite touching.

Merlin watches him, lets his eyes linger on the lines of Arthur's face, the crease in his brow, the tiny freckles on his nose he always denies the existence off as though freckles are the worst thing that can happen to a man, his lips. Merlin knows, intellectually, that if he and Arthur are a couple, if they've been together for years, if they _live together_ , if all of this is not somehow some elaborate prank set up by Will, then it stands to reason that he and Arthur have kissed. The lips Merlin is staring at right now have undoubtedly been pressed against his hundreds of times. Merlin doesn't remember, but he knows. _I probably kissed him all the time_ , Merlin thinks, _as much as I could_. 

Merlin lies in the dark opposite Arthur, his boyfriend, who is all but a stranger to him, feels the heat radiating from Arthur's body, so close to Merlin, but altogether so far away, as though they are reaching for each other across an endless chasm instead of a standard king size bed, and he just _knows_ he used to kiss this man at every given opportunity. 

Merlin feels the thud of something painful in his chest all of a sudden and for the first time since he came home Merlin wants to touch. He wants to leap across that chasm and just feel the warmth of Arthur's skin against his. Merlin's hand begins to edge towards Arthur's almost of its own accord just as Arthur's breathing changes and he begins to stir, murmuring something unintelligible in that half-asleep state just before waking. His eyes flutter open and Merlin freezes, momentarily mesmerised by the almost completely pain-free, unguarded, deep blueness of them.

"Merlin?" Arthur croaks, voice still sleep-rough.

It's still the middle of the night. Merlin had woken from a strangely vivid dream, the kind he might believe was actually a memory resurfacing if it wasn't so completely bizarre and impossible, and he hadn't been able to get back to sleep again. So he'd laid in the dark watching Arthur sleep, trying to remember something, _anything_.

"I had a dream." Merlin says, remembering it again with sudden clarity.

"Mmm..."

"You were a king and I was your servant."

Arthur's eyes widen at that and dammit if he isn't actually smirking a little. _Prat_ , Merlin thinks and it feels so familiar in a way that nothing really has been for such a long time.

"Was I a good king?" Arthur asks and Merlin's breath catches a little at the amusement in his eyes. It is the most pain free Merlin has seen them since the very first time he saw them. That he remembers.

"Yes, you were a bit of a prat, but yeah..." Merlin smiles. "You didn't think I was a very good servant though. You were wrong, obviously."

Arthur laughs, his hand unconsciously reaching closer towards Merlin. "Obviously."

"I loved you." Merlin says and the smile suddenly drops from Arthur's face, the pain starting to creep back into his eyes. Merlin looks up at the ceiling and goes on. "I loved you a lot. I would do anything for you. Die for you even. And you me. I was only your servant, but you were willing to die for me. I think... I think you must have loved me a lot too."

Merlin glances back at Arthur and finds his eyes swimming with unshed tears, lip trembling. He looks so small and vulnerable in that second and the urgent desire to reach out and _touch_ tugs at Merlin's insides. Suddenly all Merlin wants to do is protect this man, to comfort him, _love_ him.

"I'm sure I did," Arthur says, almost a whisper, tears finally escaping. "I do. Very much. I always will."

Merlin's chest feels hollowed out, empty like the hole in his mind where all his memories should be. He just wants to remember. To _feel_. The way he did in the dream.

"I want to feel that way again. I want to remember how it feels. To love you that way. Help me remember, Arthur. _Please_ ," Merlin pleads and finally closes the yawning chasm between them, fingers tentatively touching the back of Arthur's hand.

Arthur gasps audibly and seems to lean his whole body into the touch, pressing closer to Merlin so their bodies are suddenly aligned, knees touching and hands clasped together between them. _Two sides of the same coin_ , an echo of Merlin's dream floats around in his mind. Their faces are close together now, noses almost touching and Merlin thinks again about how certain he is that he must have kissed Arthur as much as possible. Before. His eyes drift to Arthur's lips again and he licks his own unconsciously.  


Arthur closes his eyes and Merlin inches forward, tentatively pressing their lips together.

They kiss slow and languid, Merlin feels like he has butterflies in his chest, his heart stuttering as his lips caress Arthur's. Arthur kisses back, softly, slowly, like he's afraid Merlin will disappear in a wisp of smoke if he pushes too hard or too fast. Merlin feels like he might. He feels fragile, held together by nothing more than the touch of Arthur's lips on his. Merlin trembles and Arthur finally opens up and deepens the kiss, sliding his tongue against Merlin's and pressing even closer to him. Merlin's body feels on fire, a strange sensation sparking beneath his skin, like electricity, like _magic_. Arthur breaks the kiss without warning, breathing hard, forehead pressed against Merlin's and Merlin looks into his eyes, brilliant blue and filled with something else now. Not pain, but... longing. Hope.

Arthur smiles at him and presses one last soft kiss on his lips. "Merry Christmas, Merlin," he says.

"Merry Christmas, Arthur," Merlin replies and lets Arthur take him into his arms.

Merlin lies there for a few minutes, watching the fairy lights on the mini Christmas tree twinkle and flash in the dark of their bedroom. It reminds him of something he can't quite place. Something from Before, he thinks.

"Arthur..." Merlin whispers, eyes drifting closed. "I promise I'll remember this kiss."

And he does.


	3. Yet To Come

_**Yet To Come** _

Their first kiss as a married couple will be the most memorable yet.

Merlin won't remember _before_. Not really. Some things, some tiny details will start to bleed back into his consciousness without him realising. 

One day, in February, he'll be doing something innocuous like washing dishes and will suddenly say "you held my hand... the whole time, you held my hand" and Arthur will hold Merlin in his arms as he weeps, the grief suddenly fresh and raw all over again.

Another day, in December, when they are snuggled up on their sofa watching Love Actually for about the hundredth time (and also Merlin's first), Merlin will just start laughing all of a sudden. Arthur will say "what's so funny?" and Merlin will say "that hideous light-up Santa hat" and they'll both laugh until they have tears in their eyes.

In July, Arthur will hear Merlin suddenly shouting a string of expletives from their bedroom and will come running out of the bathroom half naked and worried. Merlin will swear some more when Arthur asks him what's wrong. "I just remembered that bastard Russell T Davies killed off Ianto" he will shout, face all red and furious, and Arthur will call him an imbecile for scaring the shit out of him and get back in the shower. Merlin will join him for apology shower sex.

Merlin will fall in love with Arthur all over again. With the way Arthur will fight to the death to protect and defend the people he loves, even the ones who don't really appreciate him. The way he just _cares_ so much about his company and all his employees (even the bastards in Security), although he won't admit it most of the time. Merlin will even fall in love with Arthur's pigheaded stubbornness, his prattish tendencies, how smug he is whenever he's proved right about something. His bright blue eyes, his noble heart, the way he says Merlin's name, his crooked smile, the look on his face as he comes... Merlin will fall in love with it all. Again. And again and again.

Arthur will still ask Merlin if he can sleep with him, every night. It'll become a strange sort of tradition. Arthur will say something silly like "permission to climb aboard, captain?" and Merlin will laugh and pull Arthur down on top of him, kiss him until he's breathless then kiss him some more. Merlin will never tire of kissing Arthur.

Merlin will still dream of Arthur as his king. The dreams will become more and more elaborate, other people from their lives starting to make appearances in them - Morgana and Gwaine, Gwen and Lance, even Arthur's father Uther. There will be a dragon who Merlin will be pretty sure is supposed to represent Mr Kilgharrah, the nosy neighbour who lives across the hall from them. But the underlying theme in them all will be the obvious love between Merlin and Arthur. The unyielding, fierce loyalty and willingness to die to protect each other. _Two sides of the same coin_. Merlin will tell Arthur all about them.

Arthur will kiss Merlin under the mistletoe every year at their office party. He'll buy Merlin a different, increasingly more hideous and tacky, Santa hat every year and Merlin will wear it all night. And later, Merlin will keep the hat on as Arthur pushes into him, fucks him soft and slow on top of the rug on their living room floor, illuminated by the twinkling glow of the fairy lights on their Christmas tree. It'll become one of their Christmas traditions.

Arthur will propose on Christmas day, just like he had planned to do before The Accident.

He will set up some elaborate plan involving mistletoe and a snow machine and the local medieval castle. But, when they wake on Christmas morning and Merlin starts to tell him about his dream the night before as they lie in bed facing each other, Arthur will forget all about his plan. Merlin's eyes will be sparkling with mirth and his smile infectious as he regales Arthur with the hilarious tale of how, in his dream, Arthur's father had married a troll!

Arthur will watch him, a soft smile on his own face, as he remembers the first time they kissed after the accident. Right here in this bed, lying in almost this exact position, and he will feel so suddenly overwhelmed with love and affection that he won't be able to stop himself blurting out...

"Let's be kings together!"

Merlin will stop mid-tale and look at Arthur with an adorable puzzled expression, "What?" 

Arthur will laugh softly and take Merlin's hand in his.

"I could rule the whole world with you by my side," he will say, sincerely. "Forever."

"Arthur..." Merlin will start but Arthur will interrupt.

"Merlin Emrys, I'm the luckiest man alive, to have you fall in love with me. Twice. If I'm your king, then you are mine too. Let's be kings together, Merlin... marry me?"

Merlin will smile, tears of happiness in his eyes and kiss his answer into Arthur's lips. Again and again and again. Because Merlin will never pass up an opportunity to kiss Arthur.

Later, after they have consummated their engagement (that's totally a _thing_ , Merlin will say), Arthur will show Merlin the wedding rings that he has kept all these years. The only difference will be the words Arthur will have engraved on them about a month before the proposal. Words Merlin has heard a hundred times in his dreams. 

_Two sides of the same coin._

They will get married on Christmas Eve. It will be an elaborate affair involving mistletoe, a snow machine and the local medieval castle. The officiant will pronounce them King and King instead of husband and husband, because Arthur will request it specially and Merlin will laugh quietly as he kisses Arthur. His husband. His _king_.

They will kiss and it will be soft and brief and absolutely perfect. And as all their friends and family clap and cheer, Arthur will whisper quietly for only Merlin to hear, "I promise I'll remember this forever."

Merlin will smile and reply. "Me too."

And they will.

** The End **

**Author's Note:**

> The phrase "a drunk mind speaks a sober heart" is in fact often attributed to French philosopher Jean-Jaques Rousseau.
> 
> The title of this fic is obviously adapted from the famous Dickens novel 'A Christmas Carol'.


End file.
